


Claret

by Janamelie



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:33:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27788299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janamelie/pseuds/Janamelie
Summary: Rimmer's distribution of Lister's erotic self-insert fic to everyone on the ship has consequences.  Just not the ones he hoped for.This is a remix of Softlightpen's "Just The Smut", written for the Red Dwarf Fic Remix Fest 2020.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer, Dave Lister/Jim Bexley Speed
Comments: 12
Kudos: 18
Collections: Red Dwarf Fic Remix Fest 2020





	Claret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Softlightpen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Softlightpen/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Just The Smut](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27165196) by [Softlightpen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Softlightpen/pseuds/Softlightpen). 



Rimmer sat at the bunkroom table, leg jiggling, pretending to study. He silently fumed as Lister continued to tap frenetically at his keyboard.

There was no denying it; his revenge had seriously backfired.

Oh, Lister had been embarrassed, of course. And angry with Rimmer, although he’d shut up pretty quickly when Rimmer had pointed out that it was a simple case of tit-for-tat.

_“What did you expect, Listy? You and your caveman cronies publicly humiliated me! I simply got my own back!”_

_“This was different, you goit! I put me heart and soul into that. It was personal.”_

_“And displaying my todger to the entire ship wasn’t personal?!”_

_“Not in the same way,” Lister had argued hesitantly. “That was just a stupid prank.” But he knew he was on shaky ground._

_“Why him, anyway?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“Why did you write a dirty little story about some steroid-pumped jock? Why not someone with a bit more class?”_

_“Jim’s clean, you gimboid. He’s just naturally like that. And why NOT him? Amazing athlete with more caps than anyone else in his division. He’s tall, strong, charismatic-”_

_“Enough!” Rimmer made a “Zip it!” gesture. “Forget I asked.”_

  
  
  
  


Still, that was cold comfort to Rimmer now. Apparently there were a lot more fans of Jim Bexley Speed on Red Dwarf than he’d realised. 

Lister’s inbox had been bombarded with messages. Some taking the smeg as Rimmer would have hoped, but also plenty of propositions of varying degrees of subtlety, ranging from offers to roleplay JBS virtually to blatant requests to take his place in Lister’s porny tale in person.

Lister had relayed each explicit message to Rimmer with relish and was now apparently engaging in said roleplay, judging by the amount of time he’d spent bashing the stained keys of the message console.

“Hey, Rimmer? How do you spell fellatio?”

Rimmer slammed his book shut. “Lister, how the smeg am I supposed to concentrate on my studying with you there practically jerking off in front of me?!”

Lister gave him a long look. “OK then, Rimmer. I’ll give it a rest for now. I’m off out anyway.”

“What?! You’re actually going to hook up with one of these perverts?”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Lister rose, picked up his black ship-issue jacket and gave Rimmer a wink. “Don’t work too hard, smeghead.”

He’d barely disappeared through the doorway before Rimmer was on his feet and grabbing the message console. What he saw there confirmed his worst suspicions.

  
  
  
  


“Good evening, Lister. I hope-”

“STOP RIGHT THERE!”

“Rimmer?” Frank Todhunter turned in surprise as Rimmer came panting up to him and Lister. “What’s the matter?”

“Don’t … play the innocent with me!” Rimmer spluttered breathlessly. “I know what you’re up to, “BigBadBoy69”!”

“Excuse me?!”

The First Officer’s cut-glass incredulity poured fuel on the flames of Rimmer’s rage. “You’ve been roleplaying Jim Bexley Speed with him! You want him to take your massive cock into his beautiful mouth and then climb you like a tree! I read it with my own eyes!”

Todhunter’s lips twitched. “Rimmer, calm down. There’s been a misunderstanding here.” 

“Yeah, Rimmer, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Todhunter thought I might like to join him and his buddies to watch Zero-G as they’ve got a huge screen.”

For the first time, Rimmer registered that Lister and Todhunter were standing in the doorway of one of the Officers Clubs. The unmistakable noises of football pundit commentary mingled with banter and the clinking of glasses were filtering out.

“It’s all above board, I assure you, Rimmer. No ... tree climbing.” The First Officer looked as close to smirking as Rimmer could remember seeing him.

Rimmer peered through the doorway, but his last hope of salvaging some dignity died as he saw a small crowd of officers, sipping their drinks and gazing at the screen.

He looked back at Lister, realising from the glint in the Scouser’s eyes that he’d been had. Lister had set a trap and he’d run right into it.

“Sir, my profound apologies!” he blustered. “I … I was merely concerned for Lister’s welfare. You can’t imagine the depravity of the messages he’s been receiving from certain disreputable individuals on this ship!”

“And whose fault is that?” Lister pointed out.

“I was getting my own back, you mutinous little goit!”

“Alright, that’s enough! I’d say you’re even so let’s just put this whole juvenile matter behind us. And in the spirit of reconciliation all round, you can join us if you like, Rimmer,” Todhunter offered. 

Rimmer blinked. “Sir?”

“You can watch the game with us if you like. The more the merrier.”

Rimmer looked through the doorway once more, hardly daring to believe his ears. To be invited into an Officers Club - as a guest of the First Officer, no less. To socialise with officers as an equal.

Officers … who all knew what his todger looked like.

“Er, I’m extremely honoured, sir, but I’m not sure…”

“Oh come on, Rimmer, bite the bullet. That’s what I’m doing. If I can handle knowing everyone in that room knows about me writing, then you can manage - well, you know.”

Rimmer swallowed hard. “I accept your gracious invitation, sir.”

They followed Todhunter into the club and were greeted by a waiter bearing a tray of drinks. “Claret, sirs?”

Rimmer gulped, then turned and fled.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to those who commented on the original fic as to the likely outcome of Rimmer distributing Lister's fic to the whole ship. It gave me the idea as to which direction to go in with my remix.
> 
> If you like Rimmer getting jealous of Lister and Todhunter, check out "Rimmer's Report" by Felineranger, amongst various other fics. :)


End file.
